I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
