Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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