He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
