I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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