i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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