I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
