I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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