Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
