tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
