Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize