I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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