when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
