Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
