Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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