If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
