I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
