So drunk its hurt
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
