So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
