sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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