u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
