Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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