so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
