Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
