literally had 100 drinks last night.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
