Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you had me at cake vodka
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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