So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
