you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
