Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
