Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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