I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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