I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
