If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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