Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
