i wish my penis had a tongue
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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