dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
