I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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