I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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