mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
