and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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