Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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