Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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