i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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