My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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