Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
