i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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