hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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