She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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