So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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