Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
