there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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