he shaved USA in his pubs
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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