I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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