Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
