You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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