Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
