yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
