I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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