Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just gift wrapped bread.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
